For the longest time, I’ve been trying to decide what this blog would be for. I still haven’t decided. I’m torn between using this as a platform for my writing but, at the same time, I feel like I should just give it all up. My writing can be incredibly personal because that’s just how I write. So where do I draw the line between personal writing and writing that’s personal? I think there is a difference. Or at least there should be.
There are parts of me that I hold back, out of instinct or out of fear–or the instinct of fear. Writing here reveals those parts of me that I haven’t quite been able to reconcile with the parts that the world sees. Some of my friends know this about me, I don’t know what to call it, I can be… closed off. And, sometimes, I wish I wasn’t. There are people I’ve hurt because of this and people I’ve missed out on and I bet there are still people I’ll hurt or miss out on in the future. But, hey, I’m human.
I’m not the same as I was last year, or the year before that. And, thank god, I’m not the same as I was five years ago. Or maybe not thank god, I still haven’t decided that either. Three years ago, I thought I was going through a transformation in my life where I finally learnt how to give in to people, people who I really cared for. And after that, it would be great, rainbows and sunshine! But it wasn’t. I’m still transforming, it’s not over.
So, I want to write here because I need to. And this will be where I remember things about myself and gather up bits I’ve lost while getting to where I am today, the parts I miss, maybe new parts too. Perhaps I’ll discard the parts I don’t need, the parts I would rather do without. But it’s nice to have someone to walk the journey with, even if that someone is just another part of myself.