The Lose-Lose

I’m in my final year at university and, as graduation nears, I’m getting this uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. Like many of my peers, I still don’t know what I’m going to do after graduation because working somewhere full-time is a scary commitment to make. But there’s more to it than that. I want to go home.

I have spent such a long time not feeling at home in the spaces that I occupy that I don’t really know what home looks like anymore. I started thinking about who I want around me as I grow older and gain new experiences, and half of those people are 3000 miles away. The other half are here.

I want to see my friends get married. I want to be there for them in the middle of the night when they need to decompress from a tough day. I want to go to music festivals with them. I want to grow old with them. But my heart is split in two.

The plan had always been to go back. This was supposed to be temporary. I wanted it to be temporary. And now I need to make that hard choice again, only this time, it’s a lose-lose situation. I miss my friends in South Africa so much. I selfishly want them near me, all their obligations be damned! And if I go back to South Africa, I want to fold each of my friends into my luggage and take them with me.

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